Now the group is planning this trip, and I feel like my only two options are to back out of the trip without saying why, or fully participate in the group sex with the possibility that it’ll complicate my friendship and feelings for him down the road. He’s had girlfriends and hookups over the years that bothered me a bit (including a hookup with one of our friends), but I never said anything because no one knew that I had feelings for him. I liked him before we became close friends, and once we became tight, I suppressed it for the sake of our friendship. I’m really excited about the idea, except for the fact that I have a never-before-admitted crush on one of my best friends, Q. We were talking recently about planning a weekend where a group of us would go away and possibly have an orgy amongst us. I generally don’t have sex with my friends, but they don’t believe in those restrictions. My friends and I are close and very candid about our sexual experiences. Ask yourself if those reasons are real or fear-based. Write down a list of the reasons you don’t think you can talk to him. Why not at least talk to your husband about trying something new in bed? Maybe his comfort zone can expand maybe he’d be excited to explore with you. But I don’t think you have to suffer in silence, wondering if you could be that sexually satisfied with your husband if only the two of you could connect, honestly and openly. If that’s the case, you’ll have to live with the burden of knowing the grass is greener on someone else’s groin. Maybe you really can’t talk to your husband, though.
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At least one person I know almost destroyed a decade-plus-long marriage because he was afraid of being honest with his partner. How can I get over this?Īre you sure you can’t talk to your husband about it? Really, really sure? I know you say he would never want to know, but I ask because I’ve encountered many people who thought they couldn’t talk to their spouse about major problems and turned out to be wrong. I can’t talk to my husband about it-telling him about the affair would only hurt him, and when this kind of topic has come up in the past, he has been very clear that if anything ever happened, he wouldn’t want to know. I realized that I get very turned on by things that are out of my husband’s comfort zone. I don’t want to go back to this ex, but I can’t stop thinking about the sex.
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Sex with my husband is fine-but I feel like I’ve been watching a black-and-white TV my whole life and I suddenly discovered Technicolor exists. Like, I didn’t realize that sex could be like that. I feel bad about it and wish it hadn’t happened, except in one respect: The sex I had with this man was off-the-charts amazing. I’ve never done anything like that before, and I won’t ever again. Neither of us told our spouses about it, and we have no intention to. He lives far away, so I haven’t seen him since. We realized it was a mistake and ended the relationship. Last night, via phone, he mentioned that he was watching a great cam show at the moment, and I had to choke back tears. The past few times he’s mentioned finding someone sexually alluring, it stung in a completely unexpected way.
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I just went through a few months of incredible stress at work that left me feeling exhausted and insecure. But lately I’ve been having trouble enjoying this aspect of our relationship. I felt, and feel, grateful to have found a partner whose sexuality is seemingly so compatible with mine and with whom I can be open about the many manifestations of my desire. For context, this is something we’ve discussed on a nearly daily basis. We’ve each also been open with each other about watching porn (and have even watched it together), and I know he particularly likes watching cam shows. This generally turned into something exciting that stimulated our own intimacy. In the past, particularly at the beginning of our relationship, I found it thrilling when he described his desire for, say, a particularly sexy waitress. Part of what makes our sex life so great is that we’re open with one another about our attractions not only to each other, but to other people. We’ve been together for about a year and have a great sexual connection. I am a queer woman in my early 30s who is in a relationship with a straight man. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here.
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We dove into the How to Do It archives to share a selection of classic letters with our readers. Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years.